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Hello!
Feb 2, 2010 10:41:14 GMT -5
Post by bridget on Feb 2, 2010 10:41:14 GMT -5
Good Morning Everyone,
I figure I might as well jump on the bandwagon and introduce myself. I've chatted on the regular HBO boards, but I never liked their format even before the change, and now they really annoy me. I was happy to see someone made another option, I had considered doing it myself once or twice.
So, about me. I am 24 years old and have been involved in a poly family since I was 18. My husband and his 1st wife were together for 5 years before they meet me, and we were all together for five years. They had two twin boys (almost 5 when I met them) prior to my joining the relationship and one boy after I joined, who is now nearly 3. I have no biological children yet, but I hope to in the near future. When the baby was small I was the stay at home parent.
Last year our wife left for issues not really to do with our poly arrangement. Sometimes people just change. Anyway, we all still love each other, and we are all still close and have joint custody of the children. We are also currently dating another woman, I don't know what may come of that. I do know that eventually we will be poly again, though.
Wow. This is a bit of a novel. Anyway, I love Big Love because I can relate to the characters in many ways. I think it's a bit over the top and not always realistic, but it is TV after all. We always enjoyed watching it as a family, and I can certainly appreciate many of their struggles as well, especially now that I am doing this alone.
So, I guess that's all for now. I look forward to participating in the discussion!
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Hello!
Feb 2, 2010 17:58:39 GMT -5
Post by BigLoveRocks! on Feb 2, 2010 17:58:39 GMT -5
Hi Bridget! Welcome to the board!!! I think it is very interesting you come from a poly family! I'm sure many of us will have many questions for you lol. Please feel free to post and make yourself at home.
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Feb 5, 2010 0:57:21 GMT -5
Post by JJ77 on Feb 5, 2010 0:57:21 GMT -5
Welcome to the compound Bridget ! Wow , what an introduction I appreciate your sharing a little of yourself and your story with us. I think i've said it before, but really it's whats so great about groups / forums like this. We all share a common interest , but beyond that it's having people from so many differnt places (both litterally and figuratively) that makes the conversation so interesting. I think BLR is right though, you may have opened yourself up to a stream of questions lol Fortunately I think you'll find most here to just be interested and intrigued without being judgemental. If you dont feel comfortable answering / if it makes you feel like a resident "poster child" or something - fee free to say so lol If you are open to discussion on your personal life... Personally, the first question that came to my mind is how does one come to be in a poly marirage? Was it a decision based on religous beleifs, or a personal connection that just happened to be with two people (rather than one) that felt right to you?
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Hello!
Feb 8, 2010 10:36:21 GMT -5
Post by bridget on Feb 8, 2010 10:36:21 GMT -5
Hi JJ and BLR,
Thanks for the warm welcome. I am perfectly happy to answer questions, though I can't speak from an FLDS perspective about polygamy since I am not LDS of any flavor.
As for how I became involved in a poly family, I didn't really go looking for it. I met my husband through a mutual friend and he told me he and his wife were poly. Since we both enjoyed each other and I was assured that everyone was comfortable with it, we started to spend more time together and eventually we just sort of "fell into" a relationship.
We took it slow, but I did spend a lot of time with the family (kids, his wife, etc) well before things got serious. It's really something they were seeking actively (due to their philosophy that one person can't and shouldn't be expected to be everything to everyone) and that I was open to.
Does that answer your question?
Thanks!
bridget
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Feb 15, 2010 23:15:43 GMT -5
Post by albertaleon on Feb 15, 2010 23:15:43 GMT -5
Bridget, I'm glad that you are posting! I know that you will have so many unique insights to Big Love. Are you married / sealed to your husband? I would think that a custody arrangement with your wife and children would be difficult. If your wife gets into a relationship were she is not a polygamist as is the case with Ana on Big Love. How do issues such as health insurance work? When there is more than one wife do you have a schedule for the husband such as in Big Love? Do you have a community pot for money? What would you say the benefits to polygamy are? I would have a very difficult time sharing my husband with anyone. I think that sharing would cause a great deal of jealousy. You are young like Margene What type of family did you have growing up? Is your polygamy marriage out in the open or is it a secret? After watching Big Love I wonder how many Bills, Barbs, Nickis and Margenes I know. Sorry for all of the questions, I am just very curious! I hope you are comfortable to share more with the board. If not, I understand.
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Hello!
Feb 16, 2010 10:02:03 GMT -5
Post by bridget on Feb 16, 2010 10:02:03 GMT -5
albertaleon,
My husband and I are not legally married because he and his first wife are. They are in the process of divorcing, I imagine when that is finished we may be legally married. We are looking at getting married in my church regardless, but I am not FLDS or LDS so we don't do sealings. The reasons we are poly aren't religious, it is just what works best for us.
Our ex wife is in a relationship now, and to my knowledge it isn't poly. Custody looks about like any divorced custody arrangement. We each have custody 50% of the time (every other week), and we alternate things like holidays. We also occasionally spend time together as a family for family events (for instance we shared Christmas, we all went out to dinner this weekend, etc) because we are all on good terms. In fact, our ex will be coming over tonight to work on science projects with the kiddos.
Health insurance etc. we deal with on a case by case basis. When I stayed home I had to buy a private policy (I had Kaiser), when I work I get insurance through my employer. Maybe if I wasn't working anymore I'd use cobra, though it is quite expensive. I guess this is how most people who don't have conventional arrangements do it. Since we aren't married I can't claim my husband or the kids as dependents or vise versa so I am sort of on my own with those things.
We never had a schedule for intimacy. We sort of had a combination of shared space and private space. My SW and I had a room that was ours that we could go to if we wanted to be alone, and we all slept in one room together (but we did not share a bed, that would be too crowded). We all like our space a lot so frequently we would all sleep separately, but every once in a while two of us would sleep together. As far as actual intimacy, whoever felt like it in the moment did it. We felt pretty strongly that you can't force someone to feel a specific way on a specific day. There were days when neither of us had sex and days when both of us did. We tried hard not to "keep count."
We did combine finances quite a bit, but I wouldn't say we had a "common pot" like they describe in the show. My husband and 1st wife had a shared bank account and I had my own. We would write checks to each other depending on needs etc.
I had a "normal" nuclear family growing up. I grew up in the suburbs with my mom and dad neither of whom are religious or polygamists. I don't think my upbringing has anything to do with why I am poly. We are fairly out in the open - the neighbors obviously know because we all live in one house and my SW had a baby and then I stayed home, etc. Both my parents and my husbands parents are aware. My parents are less happy about it than his. My SW told her mother but not her father. The kids school knew when we were all together, we haven't seen a reason to mention it to their new school since we are now "normal"... I find it a bit ironic that three parents living happily together is weird but divorce and split custody is normal, but that's a separate discussion probably.
I am not open about it at work and even if we have another person I would not be, because I think there is too much potential for it to mess up my professional relationships. It isn't that I am embarrassed or afraid of losing my job, I just don't think it is anyone's business. I am also not "out" about it at church (I am Eastern Orthodox) - although I am working on changing that a bit. When we were all together everyone assumed I was a nanny, now everyone wonders why I am still living in the situation. Ultimately we will probably have to be married in my church to correct that situation.
This was very long, I hope it answered your questions.
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Feb 16, 2010 20:00:38 GMT -5
Post by rhinestone_cowgirl on Feb 16, 2010 20:00:38 GMT -5
Hi Bridget
Welcome to the board; I know a number of people also in polygamous arrangements both in the UK and the US; some Muslim, some Christian. Sometimes it doesn't work out; but many such marriages do and for a lot of people it works better for them than monogamy, I've nothing against it and I hate when people have stereotypes about the 'type' of woman or man who gets involved in polygamy, like they don't know what they're doing or they are downtrodden, its totally false. I know one family, four wives (although I only know wife number 1 personally) who live in a large home adapted into four small apartments and then there is a lot of communal space as well; but if anyone wants to go off on their own and have their privacy and space kitchen and bathroom wise; they have that option as well.
Sophie
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Hello!
Feb 21, 2010 23:35:30 GMT -5
Post by albertaleon on Feb 21, 2010 23:35:30 GMT -5
Thanks Bridget for being so open. I think that one of the hardest parts about being open would be running into people like me with so many questions I'm sorry that your family is going through a divorce. I know that has to be hard. It is strange that three parents living happily together is weird but divorce is normal. Health insurance is very expensive and that is why I was curious. In Big Love, I have often wondered how they afford health insurance. Nikki and her children and Margene and her children could not be on Bill's insurance. Thanks again for answering my questions. You are a really interesting person.
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Hello!
Feb 22, 2010 21:38:04 GMT -5
Post by withay on Feb 22, 2010 21:38:04 GMT -5
Thanks Bridget for being so open. I think that one of the hardest parts about being open would be running into people like me with so many questions I'm sorry that your family is going through a divorce. I know that has to be hard. It is strange that three parents living happily together is weird but divorce is normal. Health insurance is very expensive and that is why I was curious. In Big Love, I have often wondered how they afford health insurance. Nikki and her children and Margene and her children could not be on Bill's insurance. Thanks again for answering my questions. You are a really interesting person. The insurance issue for Bill was disclosed when we found out that Bill had been listing his and Don's "extra" wives as employees on the Home Plus payroll. That is what Don took the fall for and resigned from Home Plus after the other candidate had their books looked at.
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